Hidden Darkness

A friend and I were recently talking about the dark that lies within each human being. He stated bluntly that if I knew his darkest thoughts I would not be friends with him. I couldn’t help but wonder what those dark thoughts could be. Would his deep dark desires be that of a sexual nature? Perhaps he fantasized about murdering someone. Then I turned in on myself and realized, I too had an evil side to me.  A side that I keep hidden from most.

What is it that lies beneath our worldly exterior? Do we all possess a cryptic internal monologue like Dexter Morgan that we supress for society’s benefit? What if our society allowed us to unleash those desires? What is it we are all hiding?

We all have those moments where we scare ourselves. We think, say or feel something completely out of our concept of our “self” and wonder where it all came from. Do we all have an internal storage bin of evil thoughts that accumulate over time?

I never thought I was a person who could enjoy the suffering of others. I’ve worked in a children’s charity raising funds to build schools for children around the world. I’ve run for cancer. I’ve taken missionary trips to remote areas to help the poor and needy. Human suffering is not my thing. I can’t even walk in to a hospital without passing out.

So why is it that when I hear of my ex suffering both physically, mentally, spiritually and relationally do I smile? Why is it that part of me relishes in the torture him and his girlfriend are going through on account of their decision to break up my marriage?

True, they hurt me, but I’ve moved on. It’s not in my nature to hate people. So why is it that I find myself in the quiet of night sometimes imagining her being hit by a bus? Also, meeting her in a dark alley where I beat her beyond recognition? Why does it elate me to hear that my former inlaws call her homewrecker or “mistakenly” call her by my name just to see the reaction?

Is it the compounding darkness within me or a way of  coping that brings these thoughts to surface? What darker desires could be hiding within me? Is it true that most of us hide such darkness within us that, if ever brought to light, no one would want to be around us?

Just something I was thinking about today. What do you think?