Career Reflections
April 2008
It’s day seven of our Bolivia Missions Trip. I’m just sitting on the front veranda of our hotel after finishing “The Alchemist”. When I first started reading the book I thought it to be simply an interesting story. Now, however, I find myself wondering……..
What is my Personal Legend?
Have I properly read the omens thus far in my life?
Am I really in tuned to what my heart is telling me?
Where and when will I find my next omen?
This book couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m on the verge of leaving Free The Children. Whether I’m quitting or being fired….I haven’t decided. All I know right now is a new chapter in my life is about to start.
What will this chapter hold? I’ve been here before. Not in Bolivia but at the point of inevitable transition and fear of an unknown future and failed life. More than any time before, I find myself now really trying to listen for God’s will.
Each job I have had up to this point, I know God has placed me there because each time I learned not only the job but a life lesson. Now, I feel I am old enough and experienced enough to finally have a career. One where I stay for 30 years, build a pension and retire with a little cake wising me well.
BUT, is this God’s plan for me? Being in Bolivia, working directly for the glory of God, I find myself in deep contemplation and with an incredible hope that God will reveal to me my Personal Legend.
I’m trying to figure out what it is my heart is telling me but I find it fights with my brain too much. Have there been omens that I’ve misinterpreted or missed?
Not that I believe I am psychic or anything but I often have dreams of things that later come true. These dreams, I feel, are God’s way of pointing me in the proper direction. But my dreams don’t seem to be taking me much further than the inevitable, face-to-face confrontation with my boss. I’ve dreamed of what will occur if I resign and if I let them fire me. Other than that the only other dreams I have are about babies and I know I’m not having one of those. In any dream dictionary it says dreaming of babies means “new life”. This part is obvious for my near future. But what does it mean when you first dream of cooking a baby to death and then later dream of a son that you and your husband completely adore?
If these dreams aren’t omens then perhaps they are simply manifestations of my feelings. On one hand I feel like I could destroy my life if I don’t proceed as God intended. On the the other hand I feel this could be the point in my life where everything comes together and I finally find where I am suppose to be.
At lunch in Cochabamba, a few days ago, we were speaking with Ivan, a professor from Tinsdale and a couple from New Brunswick. I don’t know how it came up but I remember asking them if they actually knew people who knew what they were meant to do with their lives. The answer that was given to me referred to really driven people with a passion for whatever, working towards a goal they had set. Does this mean this person really know what they were meant to do with their life?
When I entered University my goal was to do 2 years undergraduate and then spend my last 2 years at the Mitchner Institute in order to become a radiation therapist. This goal was driven by a passion to help others, which I still have today. I believed my experience with cancer patients while working as a recreational therapist co-op student had been God’s way of pointing me to this career. I was meat to be with terminal cancer patients while they were being treated to, in some way, comfort them in their struggle. Ironically, now with my mother in the terminal stages of cancer I will be doing this. BUT, all I needed was half a semester at UofT, Trinity College, to realize this wasn’t meant to be my path.
It wasn’t that I lacked drive or passion. I spent longer than any of my friends studying, going to tutorials and willing myself to understand the books. Still, I couldn’t get it. No amount of drive could get me to a passing grade. An experience I had never known until that point. The truth was, God Had intended me to attend university, not as an academic but as a student of life. As much as I couldn’t grasp the books I was able to grasp lessons about myself and the world around me.
Perhaps the “passion” I felt towards becoming a radiation therapist was simply God’s way of steering me towards that one year at university. I’m not sure what else it could be because after that first half semester I never considered that career again.
The choice to be a massage and sports therapist was really a process of elimination decision. I wanted to help others…this was and still is my driving passion. I did not want to attend university ever again which eliminated doctor, teacher, physiotherapist, lawyer and many others. I can’t stand needles so that eliminated nurse and paramedic. Social worker would have been too depressing. And Voila!!! We have massage and sports therapy. All the same skills as a physiotherapist with less schooling and two specialties. Great Deal!!!
Not wanting to admit failure again I finished my schooling, became valedictorian and rocked the provincial exam. At the same time I was also teaching first aid, hand picked by one of my teachers. The health field was definitely where I believed God wanted me. And He did…..but not for 30 years, a pension and a cake.
After leaving massage and sports therapy I turned off my heart and simply followed my head. There was nothing passionate about being a customer service manager at the drycleaners and as much as I enjoy construction the only thing I feel God intended me to pursue in this field is more hobby based.
New Years 2007 my life finally crashed in on me. I had no goals, my friends seemed to be backing away, I was out of work and my depression was hurting my young marriage. I couldn’t help but think of all of the teachers, friends, acquaintances, family and strangers who had always told me that my brains, beauty and personality would make me a great success. I had failed all of them, I had failed myself, I had failed God. It was time to turn my heart back on.
It only took a few days of quietly looking through workopolis before my heart flung me at the Executive Assistant position at Free The Children. I don’t remember how the ad appeared in front of me or what ever convinced me, logically, to apply for a job I was severely under qualified for but two weeks later I had my own office, blackberry and laptop.
If anyone had asked me then if I had finally found where I belonged I would have replied with an undeniable “yes”!! I had the passion to help others which I was doing both locally and internationally, my heart had lead me to this, the work environment was great and without the previous experience needed I was rocking the role.
One year and 3 months can change a lot I suppose. The only thing I know for certain is my life is changing again. Two weeks ago I was almost certain that I would consider a position as Operations Director of Direct Current Media in Vancouver. Now, I don’t even know if that will be an option when I come home.
Speaking with my church friends here in Bolivia, I feel maybe a job could come to me from a connection in the church. But, I can’t be certain. My heart isn’t telling me anything. I haven’t had any dreams of the future. God hasn’t revealed His will through omens…..I just don’t know.
“The Alchemist” is all about a boy’s journey to find his Personal Legend. He changes careers a number of times, finds love, avoids death on a number of occasions, reads omens and speaks to his heart. Even though he doesn’t know what his Personal Legend is he lives day by day knowing that everything he is doing will lead him to it. He falls in to doubt at times but he keeps going. His journey to find his personal Legend also coincides with a hunt for treasure which in the end isn’t where he had expected. It isn’t until he figures out his Personal Legend that the true location of his treasure is revealed.
I really feel this book relates to me, the only difference is I have no vision of where my treasure or Personal Legend is. I’ve had the careers, I’ve found love, I’ve avoided emotional death and I’ve listened to my heart.
Perhaps, because of where I am and why I am here, God doesn’t want my heart to speak of anything but Bolivia. This would make a lot of sense and if I could turn my brain off perhaps I could hear God speak to my heart.
Will I find my way?
Is there a pension and cake in my future?
When will my heart speak to me again?
Only time will tell.
FLASH FORWARD……November 2009
Here I am a year and a half after writing those words above and I find myself in very similar circumstances. I can’t help but be amazed at how life can sometimes go full circle in such little time.
Last year I came home from that amazing trip to Bolivia and confronted the corrupt employers who were trying to push me out. They knew they couldn’t fire me without cause so they kept me on. I knew I couldn’t stay and support their unethical practices so I accepted a new job at a small financial company with the promise of growth, opportunity and a great working environment. None of these promises have come true. I now feel like I’m working in my own mini hell and Satan is the president.
Since I took this job my favourite uncle tried to commit suicide three times, my husband left me, my mom’s health has reached it’s breaking point, my ex fell off a cliff and almost died, my grandfather has started to decline in health, my father developed a heart condition and my workplace has spiralled out of control. Some days I wonder if taking this job was like making a deal with the devil, other days I figure I’m just going through life’s lumps on my way to reaching my dreams.
But do I know what my dreams are?
I think I do, but for me my dreams have nothing to do with a career. Sometimes I think I’m messed up because I can’t say “I want to be a .”
What I do know:
- I am a smart woman who, although not academically trained, can do anything and do it well.
- I love to write
- I love people and giving back to society
- I want to and will travel all over the world
- I want to and will build a home that I’ve designed
But what does this all add up to?
So here I am, once again questioning where I’m heading in life. My resume is circulating all over the city like H1N1 but I know I’m applying for positions that are beneath my abilities. I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to jump in to a position just to escape my current one. I want something that will nurture the above mentioned points.
I don’t know where I’m going at this point but I know I’m going somewhere and wherever that is, I will be great!
